A lifetime of backstage passes

ireth, I'm coming your way next month babe! My cousin is getting married. I should be there from May 16th-19th... ish. I'm waiting on dad to send me the travel details, so as soon as I get them, I will let you know. Hope I can see you love. :) xx

Hey guys. Hope you are well and safe. Miss you heaps and wished you were here to have celebrated our housewarming last nihgt. Was a good night. Anna got very drunk and got told off by a neighbour, but it was all good. One of the neighbours joined us for a drink at the beginning of the night, which was great. Almost everyone who lives in our block is an Artist of some kind. We have a music/drama teacher and musician, a painter, two actors (us) and a lady who lives behind us (who is fucking awsome) and is a designer.

Looks like we picked a good area. :)

So, hello and kisses a plenty to all you guys. I'll be heading to Sydney in May for my cousins wedding so am planning on dropping into Adelaide on my way home. Hope I can see you guys there. xx

So, we are settled nicely into a gorgeous little place in St Kilda East and I am loveing it. We have a great courtyard out the front (the only unit in the block that does) and slowly we are filling the house with great new trinkettes and it is starting to look like a real home. Had a few problems with the removalist company. While they were great guys and gave me a great rate, etc, they did leave some marks on the hallway floor at my old place and a scratch on the pavement outside the front door. I took pictures and emailed the company explaining the situation and hopefuly something can be worked out.

So, I hope you guys are all well. If anyone wants to come down next week for a house warming, please let me know! ;) Pretty cruisy werk this week. Which is nice after two weeks of full on work, house hunting and eventual moving. Mom and dad came down for a few days and helped with the move by buying us a fridge and a few odds for the place.

Oh, I'v also started teaching a Drama class Wednesday nights for an hour in Brighton. Going ok but the kids are such kids. 12-14 year olds and all they want to do is play games. It's a little difficult finding things to do with them as everything I leart in Drama School was a little more advanced for them. But, I am working through it. Thank The God's it's only an hour once a week. Any longer and I think I would go nuts.

Love you all. Will get on line every chance I get. Kisses and huggs and merry, warming wishes. xx

Seems we may have a place by Monday! The agent is 90% sure we will get it, she just needs to tie up a few details.

Fingers crossed.

So, I'm staying in St Kilda, in Paul's apartment while he is in Pt Douglas for a few days. Hopefuly, it will only be for a few days. But he is gone for three weeks and him and his flat mate have said I can stay here for as long as I need to. Poor Anna (the lovely young lady I will be moving in with) is renting rooms in Motels as she is still farely new to Melbourne, and doesn't really know anyone.

The house hunting is driving me crazy. We are looking at this area and, the longer we stay here, the more I start to like it. It was never one of my fave areas. Think Glenelg only a little more seedy and with a lot more homeless/prostitutes.

In the last week we have handed in at least six applications and been turned down for every one! I don't know what we are doing wrong... I could go back on Anna and get a place by myself, as there are a few offers made by various people regarding spare rooms in shared accommodation. However, I don't break promises. Or at least I try damn hard not to, and Anna needs a flat mate cos, like me, she can't afford to rent on her own.

It's all so frustrating. We found our place in Clarke St within two days, and had moved in after only four. I've got mom and dad on my back. Mom doing her winging/crying thing. "I want to come over to be with you." "Let me come and stay in a motel with you and look after you..." No offence mom, but what could you possibly do? A parent hovering over your shoulder crying all the time isn't a very comforting thought. Nor is it productive.

But anyway. That is the update. Everytime I get a call from Steph, it is to abuse me about something else I've done or, wanting to know how soon my stuff will be out of the room. Like, it will be out when I have somewhere else to put it! She has plans for that room. I have two theories but I won't go jumping to conclusions yet.

Last I spoke to LeighAnne, she abused me about loosing a spare key (not that I ever saw a spare key or knew one existed). I wasn't even allowed to bring anyone up to the apartment while they were in Adelaide cos Steph didn't want "strange people" hanging about. LeighAnne locked her bedroom door...? and they even asked our mate Ed to check up on the place, though they knew I was gonna be back there. ::le sigh:: Sometimes, it feels like High School never ended.

So, hope you guys are well. Miss ya heaps and thinking about you every day. Will be catching up real soon. Love ya's all! xx

Both places we had applied for have been rented. Called up to give them some more details for the application form and they told us the properties had already been leased... Thanks for letting us know guys!

Back to stage one.

I'm here at a little Internet cafe on Ackland St, St Kilda and we have just finished viewing a property in St Kilda East. It is great. The only problem is, it is a little out of the way from public transport, but the bus I usually catch comes up that way. I'm hoping we can make this one work. We are left with very few choices. However, I did bump into Paul who seems to be going to Port Douglas for the next three weeks and has offered me his room until I can find another. He just has to clear it with his flat mate but seems to think it won't be a problem.

If I can stay there, I can view properties in this area very regularly and still get to and from work as I need to with little difficulty. The realestate agent who was working the property we just saw is a friend of a chef I worked with at Vialetto and she recognised me. I explained to her what my situation was and she said she would put in a good word via the land lady. Fingers corssed. Carpets need a good clean, but what the hey.

The girls have locked their bed room doors (cos they apparently are afraid I will steal something from them or enter their rooms when I am staying there?). They even have a friend coming round regularly to chek up on the place. Even thought they knew I am going to be there so I don't know why they need to resort to that... I still don't believe all of this. What did I do? Where did I go wrong?

I am trying to stay positive and believe it is not me, it is them. But it is so hard to not think I am just a bad person who really can't look after herself...

Working tomorrow at 8am. Hopefuly the boss will be there so I can explain my situation and he can help me out with a reference or something. So tired. Did sleep well last night though. Prolly have another quiet one tonight. Tuesday can hopefuly stay with Mim again. Then Wednesday... we shall see what happens.

So, here I am. I am now having to access the net via Internet cafe because (lo and behold) my Internet access seems to have been cut off. I can no longer connect at home. I will be back at the house for the next few days as both Leigh and Steph have gone back to Adelaide to try and sell Leigh's car. So, I have the house to myself for a while. At least I don't have to worry about finding somewhere else to stay for the time being.

Update: It seems the girls have taken the liberty of "assisting" me in the packing of my belongings, as all my stuff (DVD's, books, cutlery, glass', etc) have been removed from their usual place in the home and dumped in my bedroom (and their stuff has been moved in). Thanks guys! On the bright side, it makes my job easier.

: Before today, Steph had this idea that I was not intitled to any percentage of my bond back until such time as her and Leigh moved out. So that would be a year? Two years from now? I will gladly contribute to any repairs, cleaning, etc that needs to be done, but I will not pay for their shit if something happens to the property when I am no longer there. That is just bull shit. Anyway, it all "seems" sorted now. However, they did give me money that was owed to me for bills and household items we purchaced together (ie: dining room table), so at least that ran smoothly.

: Leigh called me yesterday to winge that I had missplaced a supposed key that was on my book shelf when I had removed some of my things. Not that I ever saw a key when I was there. Plus, I haven't been to the house (except into my room) sinse this whole thing happend.

: Found a great place in Elwood (St Kilda way) that is perfect. Moving in with another friend from Uni. This girl I didn't know as well, as she was in the year below us, but she is a little more on my level and not so "I have a huge stick up my ass" either. But, cuts the cost of living and, as I can't really afford a place on my own, I have no other choice. Fingers crossed we can score it. Prolly won't know till next week. Desperate. Desperate. Desperate.

So, I think that is all. I still can't believe this is happening. Still feels like I am in a dream. When I'm at work, I have moments of, "what the fuck? I have to move out?" But, you know what they say... "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." It just goes to show - you really don't know anyone. When I was packing the other morning and saw Leigh, she said she wished I didn't feel like I had to stay away from her. What else am I suppose to do? Continue living there like nothing has happened? Laugh and joke with you like you're still my close friend?

She once told me I was like her sister... guess that's changed now.

Anyway, love you all. Hope you are well and healthy. Prolly won't be on line as much for a while. Will try to get the net back up the next couple of days, otherwise, chat to ya's soon. xx

PS: R.I.P Heath. x

So LeighAnne and Steph confronted me last night on issues relating to our living arrangements. Apparently I am uncapable of living on my own and supporting myself and having any chance of a normal life because I have to rely on the both of them to look after me. That's how they feel anyway. Like they are mothering me and watching me all the time so I don't make mistakes or accidently kill myself.

They said I needed to make a concious decision about myself and start working at being better and more aware of things if I was going to continue living with them, but then they said that after a year and a half of living together, if I hadn't made the change now, I prolly never would. So, more or less what they were saying is that I have to move out.

I told them that's what I would do and they started lecturing me on how I wouldn't be able to survive on my own, not just financially but physically and mentally as well. LeighAnne told me I should never have kids because I wouldn't be able to take care of them (her words, not mine), and basically I haven't contributed anything to the household since moving here. It has all be Steph's parents. And while that is true, LeighAnne's family have done jack shit for the house, but that didn't seem to be a problem.

So, I am in the market for a new flat somewhere in St Kilda prolly. It's the only area I can reallt afford. Not that I can afford to live on my own currently, but you know what, I don't have any bloody choice. Dad wants me to move back to Adelaide for a while, bt it won't make a difference whether I go back to Adelaide for a few weeks/months or whether I stay here. Prolly will work out cheaper if I stay here anyway.

One thing is for sure, LeighAnne and my friendship is over after this. Everything I said meant nothing to them and Leigh just sat there and abused me to hell. She insulted me and said things that were not appropriate and that I would NEVER say to someone I considered a friend.

I am so surprised sometimes at how unbelievably childish and arrogent people can be. Before I left my last work place, I lent a DVD to my old bass. This is the DVD naughtyevil gave me for my birthday a few years back, so you can imagin my annoyance and frustration when, even after I had left the business, my so called boss refused to give it back.

His excuse? "I never go home so am not able to pick it up." "I don't know where I put it." Now, he had told me that his three daighters had seen it, so they knew where it was. Some girl, who also works at the restaurant (and who he is undoubtably shagging) knew where it was, so what was the problem? He kept saying, "It's just a DVD. You don't need it." It may just be a DVD but, it was a birthday present from a friend and a movie that I love. If it was "just a DVD" I wouldn't be asking for it back, would I?!

Now, he leant me a spare mobile phone of his when my old one died, so I told him, when he asked for his phone back, that when he bought my DVD back, I would return his phone. Seemed fare enough to me, but obviously not to him.

(A few weeks ago, for my birthday, I met up with a girl who worked at the restaurant for dinner and drinks. We ate at the restaurant and then moved onto another bar about three blocks away. I left her there but it seems, after many more drinks, she went back and abused my boss and all the staff. Hence - she was fired). Now, when I went in to pick up my DVD today, he got me on the phone and abused me for bringing the whole drunken incident on and how I am no longer welcome at his place of business. In other words - I am banned from setting foot in the restaurant.

I don't know about you, but I am nobody's mother. I have no control over people's actions, other than my own, and I was not responsible for her actions (especially as it was AFTER I had left her to go home and AFTER leaving her at ANOTHER BAR)! And I told him this, but it seems I am being held responsible.

On top of all that, the fucking cock sucker ended up buying me another copy of the DVD, as he had no idea where my original copy was. Only, my original copy was a two disk, special edition. He bought me the single disk. If it was anyother DVD, I wouldn't be so fucking angry, but as it was a birthday present (I am so sorry naughtyevil I will never be lending ANYTHING to ANYONE ever again), it kinda had a sentimental value.

You f**ked up, limp d**ked, c**k-sucking, arrogent assed, pathetic sack of shit! I hope you, and your shoddy business, rot in hell! Oh, if only someone in a higher power knew what went in that shit hole of yours you call a restaurant, you would never be able to hold open another business again. What a tosser!

Love you guys much. Hope you had an awsome night. Wish you all the best for 2008. Kisses!

See you guys next week! ;)

Ok. This is officialy the strangest thing I think I have ever written. So ::clears throat::, why am I the way I am? Anyone? Let's break me down, shall we?

1) I'm a Sagittarius. Maybe this explains why my head isn't screwed on properly and I keep making mistakes and fucking things up for more people than just myself.

2) I'm an actor. This prolly explains a lot. I am too stupid to withold vast ammounts of information and do not have the brain capacity to do anything (at least nothing more than learn a few lines and smile down a camera lense while attempting to look pretty). Again, when acting I am not me, therefore me does not exist, therefore I have no reason to be stupid.

3) I can't spell because when I was in Primary school, the teachers never corrected us on our spelling. Head to High School - I learn to spell somewhat, but am no expert. This however, does not explain why the simplest of tasks seem so damn fucking difficult for me!

So, I am stuck with the realisation that (even though I know I am not), I am not a genius. I am not smart, yes I know that. But, I am not even the slightest bit intelligent. Not one bit. I am a walking ignarami (or however you spell it). I am the Jan Braidy of the Modern age. I am Barbie. I am Bambie (SPASOTM). I am all the dumb, blonde, ideotic, stupid, unbelievably, pathetically, unfathomably empty-headed loosers rolled into one. Hollywood would save themselves a lot of money paying famous actors to portray these kind of characters in their movies. I CAN DO IT FOR FREE COS IT'S NOT ACTING. IT'S JUST ME!

LeighAnne says, "Blame your mom." My mom is an ideot, but she isn't stupid. Anyone can look at a piece of card and go, "this says this, and that says that." Not me thought. It can be staring me right in the face and I still wouldn't get the fucking thing right.

GRR! This just makes me so angry. I just want to know how someone who is usually rather bright and somewhat intelligent can, all of a sudden, become so dumb!? Should also prolly clarify that this is over a several week period. Not talking about one single day here.

Emma is an ideot 24/7 people!

Somethimes I wish the ground would just open up and swallow me. If anyone knows a pill, a book, a drink, a spell, a prayer... anything. I beg you. This is serious. Someone can't be this stupid. I will book myself in for a head scan but seriously. This has to stop! Maybe I just need mental help... lol. Yeah, that's got to be it.

So I'v been at this cafe near me for about a week. I have my fourth shift tomorrow and I don't want to go back.

Wednesday was just one of those days where nothing went right. Prolly a good thing it happened now rather than later when I had been there several weeks, but I was really enjoying it at first; now I don't want to stay. I picked up on things really fast, got along great with the other staff members and even had the odd compliment, which really made me feel good about things.

I haven't been fired, yet. But I'm afriad that I will tomorrow, or at least get yelled at, which is why I don't want to go (if I do get yelled at, I won't be staying)! I haven't had a phone call and the boss was in there on Wednesday and didn't take me aside or anything. So I guess that's a good sign.

Now, I wasn't meant to be working Wednesday originally, but when I got to work Tuesday I noticed my name on the roster. The boss asked if that was ok and said it was and if he wanted me in the same time (9am)? He said yes and I rock up Wednesday at 8:45 and one of the guys goes, "you know you were meant to start at 8?" I was like, "WTF?" So they were a little rush being one person down but we got it under control very quickly and all was fine. I still felt bad but they were like, "dude, it happens." I didn't even break all day cos I wanted to get back on the good side. I was so hungry.

Then all these little things started going wrong like I cashed off the wrong table (this being because the guys didn't know what they had ordered and, as I later found out when I realised there were people still sitting at the trable, it was the wrong order).

Then there were two coffee's coming through to the bar when I only ordered one (have no idea how that happened, but it did. At least twice), then I was accused of charging the wrong price for a take away coffee, which I know I didn't but I wasn't in a mood to argue, and all these shitty little things. I ended up not getting out of there until 5pm when I was meant to finish at 4pm. Cried all the way home and to Leigh, then to Steph and then over the phone to Dad. Mom ended up balling her eyes out cos I was and begged me to come back to Adelaide. Bloody rediculous.

So I am dreading going in tomorrow. Went out with Steph and a friend last night, which I kinda needed. It did me good. Had the day off today but can't forget Wednesday. I still feel so bad and useless. The problem was I was so confident and as soon as I was feeling good about something it all goes to shit...

Life sucks. I just want it to be Sunday so I can see Monty Python and catch up with old friends. I'm actually worried because my boss rostered me on for Sunday even though I asked for it off and he hasn't found anyone to take the shift, and I'm worried he is expecting me to find someone (which I have been trying to but found no one as yet).

He's actually a bit of a pain. When I rocked up for the interview he wasn't there. He had forgotten I was coming so I had to come back in a hour. When I did see him he thought I was someone else he had called in for an interview and didn't remember calling me at all. Then he goes and rosters me on for a day I had asked for off. WTF?

I just wish things were good. I thought they were but now I feel like my life is going no where. I was happier when I wasn't working and had no money than I am now I'm working and making money again. I can't wait till Christmas. I need to get away from Melbourne. I miss dad, Tara and Lucy and my friends. I feel like I have nothing here right now.

Went to the Melbourne Cup today. Was awsome. Only stayed about two hours cos it was hot and there was very little cover provided. LeighAnne and Steph got really burnt. I ahven't seen any signs of it on myself... yet. Which, as you know, is a strange thing to not happen to me.

ANyway, for those who have my Facebook, pictures are up. Go see and laugh at how incredibly short I am. :D

We have thunder! We have lightening! AAAAAHHHHH! So excited.

I've been sitting here for the last hour just re-playing this fucking album. It's so addictive. YE CANNY STOP!!!

My hair looks like candy ice-cream. I had to bleach it so I could color it red...

And now the red is in... I haven't washed it out yet, but I look like Lola from Run Lola Run.

Hmm.

It's a new adventure.

I'm FREE!

Well, that's all folks. Saturday night I finished up at the restaurant and will never be going back. Except for tomorrow when I have to go in to pick up my pay. Other than that. It's all out for the count.

I'm very happy with the decision to leave. I'm not worried about what's going to happen next as, if I don't get any of the HUNDREDS of jobs I applied for, a few people have offered me work if I want/need it. So yeah. I am hoping I will get something in the next two weeks as I have applied for (the equivvy of) a job a day over the course of about two and a half months. I'm taking a break this week and not planning on doing much at all except catch up with friends I haven't seen in ages.

Next Monday, Steph, Ed (guy who lives downstairs) and I are planning a road trip along the great ocean road. REALLY looking forward to that. Three days of driving, drinking, partaying, doing a whole lot of nothing but enjoying the freedom and open space. Hell yeah.

And then Christmas. WILL BE SEEING YOU GUYS IN LESS THAN TWO MONTHS! WOO-FUCKING-HOO! I can't wait for that. Miss you all heaps. ;)

Hope you're all well. Take care and se you soon! x x

LOL. So, I'm having one of those days. The other night I found out a guy I kinda liked (more than more I just thought he was hot and would really like to get to know him better) was now single ;D and so the green flag for me went up. Then, he more or less admits to me he liked Steph and had done for some time but couldn't do anything cos he had a girlfriend... now he is single however.

Green flag goes down.

Last guy I kinda liked also liked Steph, but she wasn't interested. But LeighAnne also liked him too, so I stepped aside. Why is it always that no guy wants anymore to do with me than have a few beers and tell me about the girl they would like to sleep with (who is never me, just in case you were wondering). And, the guys who are interested in me are either REALLY drunk or, for one reason or another, nothing can ever happen between us...?

::Le sigh:: And it's raining today. You all know that should make me deliriously happy but I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. I am actually laughing at myself while I write this so please don't think I am intentionally wanting sympathy. Sometimes, when I get like this, I like to show myself just how pathetic and whiny I am being. Kind of a slap in face and mega WAKE UP! on my behalf. :)